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Near - Milkshake

Death Note Instant Pairing Fanfic

Meiyl found a delightful Fullmetal Alchemist parody piece by Mikkeneko and Kaltia called "Instant Pairing Fanfic." We were immediately inspired to write a Death Note version. We included every pairing we could think of for which we have seen fanfiction, and wrote out what usually happens in that sort of fanfiction.

There are 38 ships we've listed so far... it's quite amazing what people have come up with for a fandom in which nearly all of the main characters are asexual. If you have any other pairing suggestions, uh, let me know?

I apologize in advance for any mindscarring that may ensue from reading this parody. It was all meant in good fun. Note that there is no explicit content; however, the pairings themselves are sometimes enough to require copious amounts of brain bleach.


L/Light - co-written with Meiyl

L: I must always watch you, Kira.
Light: I'm not Kira!
L: Nevertheless, I must always watch you.
Light: Even while I shower?
L: Of course. But you can't deny that you like it.
Light: Damn it, you've seen through me, Ryuzaki. Show me what else that talented tongue of yours can do.
L: Gladly.
Light: Wait, how did I remove all my clothes without taking off the handcuff first?
L: It is the fangirls' will, Light-kun.
(They have sex.)


Mello: I need you to help me.
Matt: Sure. I'd do anything for you.
Mello: Even die for me?
Matt: I'm your bitch.
Mello: Damn right you are.
Matt: Let's have one night of passion before we die.
Mello: Take off those stupid goggles first.
(They have sex.)


Mello: I hate you.
Near: I know.
Mello: I'm better than you.
Near: If you say so.
Mello: Actually, I'm just saying all of this because I'm desperately in love with you.
Near: Obviously.
Mello: Shut up.
(They have sex.)

Light/Mikami - co-written with Meiyl

Mikami: I have been chosen to eliminate all evil. O God, what terror there will be, when you judge all the sinners of this world!* For you alone are the Lord.* How can I endure the next world without seeing Your face?* As long as I live, be satisfied with me.*
Light: I'll be satisfied when you're on your knees. And stop the damn monologue. Only I may do that.
Mikami: Yes, God.
(They have sex.)

BB/L - co-written with Meiyl

BB: L Lawliet, I'm going to break you.
L: You're mispronouncing my name. It's "Lo-light," not "Law-lee-et."
BB: Shut up, my little Lawlipop.
L: You've got my appearance all wrong, you know. My hair is slightly longer in the back, my eyes are darker, my posture is different, and that is most certainly not my favored brand of jeans.
BB: Do I look like I care? Now be a good boy and let me lick all this lovely strawberry jam off you.
L: That's something else you have wrong. I do not eat jam.
BB: Fuck you.
L: Yes, isn't that what you're planning to do?
BB: Don't make me shove the rest of this jam down your throat. Henh henh henh. Ho ho ho.
(They have sex.)


L: Matsuda-san, you can go home, you know. It's past midnight.
Matsuda: I don't mind staying here at headquarters with you, Ryuzaki.
L: If you aren't going to go to sleep, you may as well do something useful.
Matsuda: I could get you another cup of coffee... if you know what I mean.
L: There is a two percent chance that you meant that as a come-on.
Matsuda: Perceptive as always, Ryuzaki. Want some sugar cubes?
(They have sex.)


Matsuda: Wow, Ide, you know nothing about romance, do you?
Ide: Hey! I know a lot about romance! I'm just... unlucky in love.
Matsuda: That's because you're gay!
Ide: Huh? Really?
Matsuda: Duh! I'm not as oblivious as I look. I know these things!
Ide: Idiot.
(They have sex.)

Higuchi/Namikawa - co-written with Meiyl

Higuchi: Campy twit.
Namikawa: Uncultured swine.
Higuchi: Your silk tie is strangely alluring.
Namikawa: Kiss me, you fool.
(They make passionate love on the Yotsuba conference table.)


Gevanni: You're my boss, you're nine years my junior, I resent all the impossible tasks you make me do, and you nearly got us all killed.
Near: Is there something you actually wanted to tell me, Agent Gevanni, or have you interrupted the construction of my train set for no reason?
Gevanni: I want your pasty little body.... Right now.
Near: I have never engaged in this sort of activity, but I will still be the one giving the orders. Is that clear?
Gevanni: Yes, sir.
(They have sex.)


Mello: L, you're my idol. I love you.
L: That's kind of you to say, Mello. Have you been keeping up with your studies?
Mello: You don't understand, L. I want you.
L: What?
Mello: Take me.
L: Just because I'm the greatest detective in the world doesn't mean that I'm above the law, Mello. Do you want your idol to be arrested for statutory rape?
Mello: I'm old enough to make my own decisions.
L: You're fourteen.
Mello: What's your point?
(They have sex.)


L: I always liked the look of you, Near. You have a certain wicked gleam in your eyes.
Near: Yes. We are much alike.
L: I know that this is unusual... I am twelve years older than you, and you are still a child... but...
Near: I have never been a child.
L: I believe it would be mutually beneficial to relieve the sexual tension between us.
Near: We are speaking to each other through a computer.
L: Let me teach you the wonders of phone sex.
(They have sex. Sort of.)


Near: Mello is gone.
Matt: What? How can this be? He's my best friend! He can't have left me!
Near: Would it comfort you to do a puzzle with me?
Matt: Oh, let's just cut to the chase.
(They have sex.)


Light: Who are you?
Matt: Oh, don't mind me, I'm a minor character.
Light: Why are you here?
Matt: No idea. But you know what always happens when two attractive guys meet each other.
Light: It's obligatory.
(They have sex.)
Light: What was your name again?

Gevanni/Matt - written by Meiyl

Matt: I'm Mello's sidekick. He treats me like crap.
Gevanni: I wouldn't say I'm Near's sidekick... and there's more than one of us... but he does treat me like crap.
Matt: Wanna fuck?
Gevanni: Sure. There's no way this could get awkward!
(They have sex.)
(The next day, Gevanni watches Matt die on television.)
Gevanni: ...Awkward.

Light/Near - co-written with Meiyl

Light: I've won. Exactly as planned. Now you'll pay, Near, for defying the god of the new world.
Near: You're nothing but a crazy serial killer.
Light: Nonetheless, you will soon beg for my mercy.
Near: Really, now.
(They have sex.)
Near: Is that the worst you could do? Your popularity with the ladies is undeserved.

Mello/Light - co-written with Meiyl

Light: I'm using the Japanese police to further my plans for world domination. I use intelligence, sex appeal, and a supernatural notebook to manipulate people into doing my bidding.
Mello: Hey, what do you know, I'm doing exactly the same thing, except I'm using the L.A. mafia.
Light: It doesn't even matter that we never meet face-to-face in canon. The parallels--
Mello: Why do you talk so much? Shut your trap and bend over before I shoot you in the face.
Light: This isn't going exactly as planned.
(They have sex. Afterward, Mello blows everyone up.)

Light/Matsuda - co-written with Meiyl

Matsuda: I want to be helpful to you, Light-kun!
Light: Matsuda, you're such a good, loyal ally. You trust me, don't you?
Matsuda: Yes, of course, Light-kun! You're my best friend. I--I love you. I... desire you.
Light: In every way?
Matsuda: Yes.
Light: Interesting. And potentially useful.
(They have sex.)
(Several months later, at the Yellow Box Warehouse)
Light: Don't fuck with me!
Matsuda: I already did.
(Matsuda drowns in a pool of angst while Light flails in a puddle of failure.)


Ryuk: I'm bored.
Light: I just gave you an apple, Ryuk. What more do you want?
Ryuk: Oh, I have something in mind.
Light: Ryuk! What are you doing? I thought shinigami weren't allowed to have sexual relations with humans--
Ryuk: You think that's gonna stop me or the fangirls from doing this?
Light: Aargh!
Ryuk: Just take it like a man, Light... you humans are such wusses.
(They have sex.)


Light: How can I be talking to you? We're the same person. I am Kira.
Kira: Silence, slave. On your knees.
Light: No! No! I'm not a murderer!
(They have sex. Light wakes up.)
Light: Shit, I am never telling Ryuk about these nightmares.


Light/Misa - co-written with Meiyl

Misa: I'll just be a good girl and go to bed now, okay, Light?
Light: Whatever.
Misa: Hmph! Doesn't my skanky outfit turn you on at all?
Light: Go away, Misa. I'm busy.
Misa: But Liiiiiiight! I was useful to you, wasn't I?
Light: What the hell. I've killed enough degenerates today. Just this once.
(They have sex.)
Light: I never said I would cuddle. Get out of my sight.


Misa: You're creepy, Ryuzaki.
L: But Misa-san, I'm your biggest fan.
Misa: Well, in that case, let's have awkward yet steamy sex. I'll even let you cover me with whipped cream. That's what you want, right, you pervert?
L: Sounds good to me.
Misa: All right, as long as Light doesn't find out.
(They have sex.)

Light/Takada - co-written with Meiyl

Takada: You're the only man I've ever admired.
Light: Kiyomi, you're the only woman fit to rule beside Kira.
Takada: Then why are you still with that Misa Amane bitch?
Light: Being with her has given me... valuable experience. I will show you.
Takada: Oh, Light...
(They have sex.)
Light: God, I can't wait to kill her.


Mikami: Only you understand, Takada-sama. The wonder and goodness in the world that God is building...
Takada: Yes. I will be the goddess of Kira's paradise.
Mikami: And I am your devotee.
Takada: I don't care about such petty things... but you're bottoming.
Mikami: Whatever you command, my goddess.
(They have sex.)

Naomi/L - co-written with Meiyl

Naomi: I did the most dangerous mission of my life for you, I saw your doppelgänger almost burn to death, and the last time I saw your face was when you accosted me in a train station and I nearly capoeira'd the shit out of you.
L: But can we still be friends?
Naomi: I don't care that I have a fiancé. You're cute, and he's kind of a dumbass... Let's be more than friends, L.
L: What do you mean, Misora-san?
Naomi: Wow, you really are clueless. That's hot.
(They have sex.)

Aiber/Wedy - co-written with Meiyl

Aiber: I'm a blond conman.
Wedy: I'm a blonde thief.
Aiber: Just my type! Your place or mine?
Wedy: Might as well be yours. I broke in three days ago.
(They have sex.)

Mello/Halle - co-written with Meiyl

Mello: Go to SPK headquarters.
Halle: Are you sure? You're holding a naked woman at gunpoint in her own apartment. There is no way you can pass up this opportunity.
Mello: Why are you so hell-bent on seducing me?
Halle: Don't you realize that the combination of your scar, gun, leather, stalking tendencies, and pure badassery makes even 30-year-old women fall for you?
Mello: Yes. But I'm not going to let sex get in the way of my goals.
Halle: Not even for ten minutes?
Mello: Oh, fine.
(They have sex.)


Mello: Don't worry, I won't let any of those thugs hurt you.
Sayu: But you're the one who plotted my kidnapping, and you're trying to take over the world.
Mello: Doesn't mean I'm not a nice guy.
Sayu: I think I've come down with a strong case of Stockholm syndrome.
Mello: It's the leather.
(They have sex.)


Sayu: Two of my family members are dead, my mother is in a deep depression, and I am in a state of near-catatonia.
Matsuda: But I'm here for you, Sayu!
Sayu: Oh, hey, you're that goofy guy I barely know who used to work on the Kira case with my dead father and brother, right?
Matsuda: Y--yeah!
Sayu: Well, you're cute, even though you're ten years older than I am and my mother hates you.
Matsuda: I'm also good with guns!
(They get married.)

Light/Sayu - co-written with Meiyl

Sayu: Can you help me with my homework, big brother?
Light: Sure, Sayu.
Sayu: I admire you so much, big brother.
Light: Really.
Sayu: Oh, yes! I can't hide it anymore, I want you. You're so amazing and smart and charismatic and sexy and--
Light (thinking): I am the god of the new world. What better way to inflate my ego than to sexually take advantage of my younger sister?
Light (aloud): Of course I am. Come to Big Brother. Don't let Mom hear, though.
(They have sex.)
Ryuk: Heh heh. This is the most screwed-up family in existence.

Sayu/Near - co-written with Meiyl

Sayu: I really admire you for solving the Kira case.
Near: Your brother died because of me.
Sayu: You have a sexy smirk.
Near: ...
(They have sex.)

BB/Naomi - co-written with Meiyl

BB: Lighting myself on fire is the final step to achieve my victory... Mmm, that's hot in more ways than one.
(Naomi extinguishes the fire.)
BB: You cockblocking bitch!
Naomi: I should've known you were the murderer, Ryuzaki. You always said such damn creepy things to me. "Beautiful women aren't supposed to spit out things they take into their mouths," huh? Well, guess what? I'm not just a beautiful woman. I'm Naomi Misora, FBI agent, and I am putting your sorry ass under arrest.
BB: You're feisty. I like that. And the fact that I'm in excruciating pain right now is making me incredibly horny.
Naomi: I'll show you who's a cockblocking bitch, you filthy, fucked-up bastard.
(They have sex. No fellatio occurs.)
Naomi: I'm still taking you into custody, you know.


Rem/Misa - co-written with Meiyl

Rem: Misa, you are so pure. I will do anything to protect you.
Misa: That's nice. Thanks for telling me how to kill you, by the way. I'll tell Light so that he'll love me more!
Rem: Why does she love Light Yagami more than me? He does not care for her like I do. But if I kill L, Misa can be happy for the remainder of her short life.
(Rem dies and nobody gives a shit.)
(Damn... that was actually canon.)


Misa: Life has no meaning for me now that Light is gone.
Sayu: I feel the same way.
Misa: We must comfort one another.
(They have sex.)
Misa: Nope, that still hasn't prevented me from wanting to kill myself. Goodbye.


Takada: You're so childish.
Misa: I happen to be older than you, Kiyomi.
Takada: But you're still my bitch.
Misa: Light will make sure you're executed once Kira is caught.
Takada: You'll pay for saying that.
(They have sex. Or perhaps they're still having a catfight. It's hard to tell.)


L/Light/Misa - co-written with Meiyl

Misa: Light's mine! I don't want to share him with you!
L: But sharing can be fun, Misa-san.
Light: What are you suggesting, Ryuzaki?
L: I'm not using these handcuffs because I want to, but there are definitely... benefits attached to them.
Misa: I knew you were a pervert!
L: Well, what do you say, Light-kun?
Light: My dad will hit the roof if he finds out.
L: He already thinks you're a porn addict, Light-kun. And it is likely that he will find out, since I won't turn off the surveillance cameras.
Light: Ryuzaki, that's...
Misa: Strangely hot.
(They have sex.)


Light: I despise both of you.
Mello: I loathe both of you.
Near: I severely dislike both of you.
Light: I can't tell who hates whom more.
Mello: Let's fuck already.
(They have sex.)


Matt: Mello, you're so sexy.
Mello: Of course I am, Matt. I'd like to bang you, but Near is distracting me. He's so damn cute and vulnerable.
Matt: You're right. He's also extremely sexually repressed. We need to fix that.
Mello: Get the chocolate sauce.
Near: What on earth are you two--Nngh...
(They have sex.)


Light/Death Note

Ryuk: Light, you seem to really enjoy writing in the Death Note.
Light: Ah, Ryuk, I can barely describe it... it's as though choirs are singing the praises of Kira as I cleanse the world of criminals...
Ryuk: Whatever floats your boat.
Light: Kira... Deus... yes... yes...
(A few minutes later, Light slumps forward in his chair, cheeks flushed and hand trembling as he grips his pen.)
Ryuk: Uh... I think I've temporarily lost my appetite for apples.


I think I just died of laughter.

...I can't even pick a favorite. That's how good these all are. I would be like 'Hey, this is the best ever! It's totally funnier than all the rest!' and then I'd get to the next one and be like 'Okay, so THIS one is my favorite!'

I have to say, though...Matsuda/Sayu was probably the cutest thing ever. I love how they get married instead of having sex <3

And Rem/Misa...I couldn't actually like that, because it's so depressing! Though you're right, it is canon ;.;

Re: I think I just died of laughter.

We're really glad you like it! I think that Matsuda/Sayu is one of the only ones that isn't totally cringeworthy... the fic for them almost never includes them having sex. It's great. xD

This is epically epic.

I loved this so much. XD I really like the Light/Death Note one. xP But they're all awesome.
I'm going to sit in a corner with my unstoppable laughter. Freaking fantastic stuff this :L
My favourite was LightxTakada:

(They have sex.)
Light: God, I can't wait to kill her.

But they're all funny :-D