Log in


Spock's Logical Council

This was (sort of) inspired by LittleKuriboh's "Marik's Evil Council" videos. I started writing it on the fly, in the middle of the night, which should explain its utter pointlessness. Enjoy.

Title: Spock's Logical Council
Chapters: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five
Fandoms: Star Trek (TOS and TNG), Artemis Fowl, Doctor Who, Sherlock (BBC), and others
Rating: PG-13/T
Word Count: 4,629 (script format)
Summary: Commander Spock is tired of being the only logical one around, so he calls together a council of like-minded people to discuss a matter of utmost importance.

Part One: In Which the Council Meeting Begins

[Scene: A conference room on the starship Enterprise. SPOCK stands to address the council members. Seated around the conference table are ARTEMIS FOWL II, SHERLOCK HOLMES, the DOCTOR, and LIEUTENANT COMMANDER DATA.]
Spock Order. Order. The council is now in session.
Artemis Fowl II What do you mean, "order"? What's the point of calling us all to order? It's not as though anyone was talking.
Spock I am merely following standard protocol.
Sherlock Holmes Standard protocol? How boring.
Spock If I may continue--
The Doctor What are we all doing here, exactly?
Data I believe the Vulcan was about to answer that very question.
Sherlock Holmes The what?
The Doctor The Vulcan, you silly dimwit. The one standing at the head of this table. Haven't you studied your alien species?
Artemis Fowl II I thought he was an exceptionally tall pixie.
Sherlock Holmes What on earth are you all talking about? I don't have time to bother with talk of aliens and pixies or any other nonsense--
The Doctor Suspend your disbelief. Three of the people in this room aren't human; I'd say you'd best get used to it.
Sherlock Holmes Ah, I see... that would explain why the pale gentleman with yellow eyes smells faintly metallic.
Data Yes. I am an android.
Sherlock Holmes And I thought our host's ears must be prosthetic... but his skin has a virescent tone that was obviously not attained through makeup, so that means his blood isn't red. Hence, alien.
Spock Indeed.
Sherlock Holmes So you must be the third nonhuman. What is your species, sir?
The Doctor I'm a Time Lord.
Sherlock Holmes That sounds awfully pretentious.
The Doctor How did you know I'm an alien?
Sherlock Holmes No sane human would wear a bow tie and fez with tweeds.
The Doctor Fezzes are cool.
Sherlock Holmes Also, either I am detecting more than one pulse at your throat--which means you have at least two hearts--or you have a single arrhythmic heart beating at more than three times the average human's rest heart rate.
The Doctor Wow, you're good!
Artemis Fowl II No, he's just a showoff.
Sherlock Holmes No more so than you. What does your mother think of your spending the family fortune on manicures and Armani underwear?
Artemis Fowl II Why, you--! How did--?
Sherlock Holmes No one sits the way you do unless he's wearing silk boxers; I know from experience. I'll admit I guessed the designer by glancing at your suit label.
Data If I may interrupt... We have already spent sixty-five point eight seconds conversing, and Mr. Spock has not yet had the opportunity to explain the purpose of this council session.
Artemis Fowl II Your name is Mr. Spock? Have we been summoned to a meeting about early childcare, then?
Spock I bear no relation to Benjamin McLane Spock.
Artemis Fowl II Good. I disproved every one of his theories in my doctoral thesis. The man was an idiot.
The Doctor Oh, so you're a doctor, too? Excellent!
Spock Order. Order, please.
Artemis Fowl II All right. Get on with it, then. What's this all about?
Spock I have invited you all here to participate in a Logical Council.
The Doctor What? Why?
Sherlock Holmes It seems patently illogical to hold some stupid council meeting when you could be doing interesting things with your time.
Artemis Fowl II Making the acquaintance of three aliens isn't interesting enough for you?
Sherlock Holmes If no one's been murdered, I'm going to leave.
Spock That would be unwise. The topic we shall discuss is quite pertinent to you, Mr. Holmes. All of you will benefit from today's meeting.
The Doctor Ooh, this should be interesting. What's the topic?
Spock The topic, Doctor, is a threat that looms in all of our minds. An inescapable enemy whom we all face. Some of us have suffered at their hands for decades; others for only a few years. But they eventually come for every one of us.
Artemis Fowl II Who are they? The Mafia?
Spock No. They are--
Data The Borg?
Spock Negative.
The Doctor The Silence?
Spock I think not.
Sherlock Holmes Tax collectors?
Spock No. Think, gentlemen: What traits do all of us share?
Artemis Fowl II I suppose... we're all logical men.
Spock Evidently.
Data We are all of very high intelligence.
Spock Yes.
Sherlock Holmes Well, that's an egregious understatement. At least in my case.
Artemis Fowl II We're all younger than thirty.
Spock Actually, I am more than sixty Earth years old.
The Doctor I'm nine hundred and seven.
Artemis Fowl II We're all very good-looking, then.
Data Am I?
Artemis Fowl II Hmmm... Yes, even you, I'd say. Would you agree, Mr. Spock?
Spock We all possess tall, thin body types, pale skin, and symmetric facial features. According to prevailing standards of male beauty throughout the galaxy, most humanoid life forms would consider us to be decidedly handsome.
The Doctor I do notice we all have lovely hair. Though--I liked my old hair better. And I'm still quite angry that I haven't gotten to be ginger yet. It's not fair.
Sherlock Holmes Another common trait: None of us has ever been in an established romantic relationship.
Artemis Fowl II How can you tell?
Sherlock Holmes Body language. You do not have the postures of seductive or lovelorn men, and yet you all display a great amount of confidence and sophistication. Therefore, you are all most likely celibate and uninterested in romance. I would assume that, like me, the rest of you are too intelligent to be distracted by such trivialities.
Spock Correct.
Artemis Fowl II Quite right.
The Doctor Spot-on.
Data I am fully functional, but romance is not installed on my emotion circuits.
Spock You have now mentioned all of the relevant points. Conclusions?
Sherlock Holmes Oh, oh, oh! I see. It's obvious now.
Data Where has this analysis been leading? I do not understand.
Artemis Fowl II What have you deduced?
Sherlock Holmes The identity of this mysterious enemy faction. I should have known it immediately. The one adversary that all brilliant, attractive, nonromantic male characters have in common.
Artemis Fowl II Oh, no... I can't believe I've never noticed this pattern before.
Sherlock Holmes Nobody ever notices anything.
The Doctor The one adversary... You don't mean--
Spock Yes, gentlemen. I am referring to... fangirls.